


So Much Lighter

by spectrumsorcerer



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-04
Updated: 2013-03-28
Packaged: 2017-12-04 08:01:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/708401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spectrumsorcerer/pseuds/spectrumsorcerer





	1. Prologue

  At first it felt like falling into a dream. Nothing was clearly defined; time dripped lazily, or would suddenly slip by in an untraceable rush. There was a barrier between him and the rest of the world now, and even if he wasn’t pinned down in half-sleep he wouldn’t have been able to break through it.

  He had been aware of some things. A burning brightness. Falling, for what could have been an eternity. Echoes and something like iron nails digging into his arms as he grappled. But it was all so dim and so distant, and every time he reached too closely to the surface he was pushed back down into muted, numb silence. So when the surface finally broke and he snapped into awareness again the pain was so unexpected and overwhelming that it nearly shattered him.

  There were others crashing around him, and although he couldn’t recall their names he knew one would occasionally hold onto him and pull him down behind the barrier again, and he would gratefully sink into the blissful nothingness. But eventually it was growing rarer that he could be held back for very long, and he would resurface into the purest agony he had ever known. When he tried to draw breath to relieve the constant drowning sensation, he choked on acidic dark smoke; someone or something seemed to be tearing him into shreds with dull claws, but when he looked at himself he was still whole, although fire licked at his boiling skin. He couldn’t hear himself scream over the roar in his ears. He was becoming a twisted thing there, wherever he was, and soon he forgot his own name and that anything else existed beyond this throbbing torment. But each time he felt himself on the verge of breaking, he was drawn away, back into the soothing darkness, where he could stitch himself back together before falling back into reality once more. And on and on it went.

  After some time – not that time was very reliable anymore – he began to notice more of his surroundings. He realized that he was being held suspended above bars that enclosed them from all sides, which were etched with intricate signs that almost seemed to pulse. He wasn’t entirely sure the bars weren’t a hallucination themselves, even though they were a constant presence. Flashes of lightning bled inside from whatever was beyond, but when he tried moving to investigate he was held tethered back.

  But ages later, when he was unconscious yet again, a brightness poured in through the edges. He was roughly hauled back into awareness and felt himself being pushed towards the bars. Desperately he clawed for a hold on the line that kept him in place, but it snapped and he reeled through the bars, sinking into a white-hot light that gripped him no matter how much he struggled. He fought it every inch as it carried him away, and lost.


	2. Coming Around

  He woke up with a splitting headache that made the room spin. Lying on his back, he groaned at the violent falling sensation, and a pair of hands appeared on his arms to anchor him in place.

  It must have been raining. Gray sunlight filtered into the room, but he couldn’t tell if it was his head pounding or if there was a storm hammering against the roof. Either way, he didn’t like it, and it made it extremely difficult to hear what was being said to him. Squeezing his eyes shut, he fought back a sudden wave of nausea. The hands tightened their grip.

  “Adam! What’s wrong?”

  Someone was calling him. He had to silently repeat the words to himself before they made any sense. So his name was Adam.

  Memories welled up, so old and distant he wondered if they were really his, but as they rose around him there was some familiarity in them, and they weren’t so bad. Adam sank into them. Early years of his childhood were still blurry, but as he moved forward through them they grew more vivid. He took his time sorting through them, seeing his mother again, growing up, going to school. The happier memories gave him time to breathe before he had to relive the rest. There were monsters, and he had died once, twice after his brothers failed to save him from those damned angels. But that was nothing compared to the memories of Hell that seized him next, and he felt himself beginning to tremble as they mercilessly tore him apart from the inside.

  “It’s all right, it’s all right,” someone was repeating quietly. “You’re safe now.”

  The words were unexpectedly soothing, and Adam took a deep, shaking breath. The memories remained, but he managed to bury them where they couldn’t overwhelm him, and he kept breathing until his heart stopped racing. A strange sense of peace began to flow through him. Whatever panic he still felt was quickly dissolved, replaced by a powerful drowsiness. Adam faintly wondered if he had been drugged, but decided he didn’t care enough to worry. The hands released him as he drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.

 

―

 

  When Adam woke up again everything felt more in place.

  The room was still dark – heavy curtains shut out most of the light. Rain still pattered the glass and the roof, and thunder rolled in the distance. The odd peace was still draped over him, comforting and calming, and his memories were safely tucked away against the background of his mind. He actually felt really good, the best since before he had heard the news about his mom – and that memory immediately soured his mood – but he felt like he could continue sleeping for several more hours anyway.

  “You’re awake!”

  Adam started, exclaiming as he sat up so quickly he made himself dizzy. There was a young man, not much older than himself, sitting beside the bed and watching him with a trace of alarm. He leaned forward and half-reached for Adam. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  Adam stared at him, thankful that the lighting was low because his face was growing hot as he realized that had been a bit of an overreaction. He allowed himself to relax, even though he still felt a bit uncomfortable that this guy had been there the entire time, and he decided to glare at him. “Who the hell are you?” Whoever he was, Adam was positive he had never seen him before.

  “I’m… You can call me Alfie.” The stranger sat back.

  “Alfie?” Adam noticed he was wearing some kind of bizarre striped uniform but didn’t comment on it. He seemed nice enough.

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, then. So where am I?”

  “Right now we’re in a motel in Topeka.”

  “Yeah, but why?” Adam studied him. “You don’t seem like the kidnapping type.” As a matter of fact, Adam was pretty sure he was the most non-threatening person he had ever met. The stranger – or Alfie, whatever – was answering him with such open honesty and was generating so much concern that Adam almost wanted to distrust him merely out of spite.

  “Adam,” he said, “I am more than willing to answer any questions you might have, but first I need to know how much you remember.”

  “Remember of what? Getting here?” Adam gestured at the room. He couldn’t remember arriving there, which was unsettling enough, but there were snatches he could remember seeing through that onslaught of memories earlier. Someone had been holding him in place. “Hang on.” Adam jabbed a finger at him. “Were you the one grabbing me?”

  “It wasn’t to hurt you,” he said, taken aback, and for some stupid reason Adam grudgingly believed him. The hands on his arms had been the only thing keeping him grounded when the memories were overwhelming him, and while Adam was thankful they had been there he wouldn’t be caught showing it. “I need to you tell me how much you remember, so I can know if you’ll be all right.”

  “Remember of what, though?” Adam reiterated.

  “Hell.”

  The breath left his body like he had been punched. Every conscious moment he had spent there had been branded into his brain, and now it began to hurt again. Adam blinked hard as he fought them back. Whatever lingering peace he had felt upon waking was shattered, and he covered his face with his hands and then ran them up and dragged them through his hair, sighing, not bothering not to look totally pissed off. “I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

  “It is,” the stranger said, adding softly, “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t even know who you are.”

  “I’m the one who saved you.”

  A tense silence settled between them as Adam stared at him; the stranger wouldn’t meet his eyes. The panic was slowly beginning to drain from his limbs only to be replaced by a sick sense of dread, and after what felt like a full minute Adam asked cautiously, “What are you?”

  “I’m an angel.”

  Adam scoffed, grateful he still wouldn’t look up at him to see the fear that was beginning to make his hands shake. He swallowed. “An angel named Alfie?” Somehow his voice had decided to remain even.

  “My real name is Samandriel.” He looked back up at him and forced a smile. “But you may call me Alfie if you prefer.”

  “I don’t care,” Adam all but snapped. “Whatever you brought me back for, I’m not helping you.”

  “Adam-”

  “No!” He got to his feet and started backing away. “I don’t want to hear it. I’ve had enough of you angels fucking up my life, okay?”

  Samandriel flinched, but said nothing. Adam moved away so the bed would be between them, crossing his arms to steady himself, turning away. “Why did you pull me out?”

  “You didn’t belong there,” the angel answered a bit warily.

  “So you’re trying to tell me you saved me just because you were feeling generous?” Adam asked. “And you really expect me to believe that?” When he looked back at him, Samandriel was silently looking at the ground. “You guys never do anything unless there’s something in it for you.”

  “I don’t need anything from you,” the angel said, standing. “And if you’d like I can take you to your brothers right now and never disturb you again.”

  He sounded cold, but not angry, and he seemed to be keeping his face carefully blank as he watched Adam for an answer. It probably wasn’t such a good idea to see his brothers again so soon. He wanted to see them again, just… Not immediately. He wanted a chance at a normal life again first, and Adam knew his brothers wouldn’t be the best at letting that happen. He gritted his teeth as his eyes began to sting. The angel probably hadn’t brought his mom back, too. They hadn’t done that the last time he was brought back. So he wouldn’t have anyone besides his brothers, and while he almost ached to see Dean again he didn’t want to have to listen to any of Sam’s gross sympathy that he would no doubt try throwing at him to cheer him up.

  “Wait.” Adam wondered if he had heard him right. “You said ‘brothers.’ As in both of them?” He swallowed again. “Sam was in the Cage with me.”

  “No, he wasn’t,” said the angel, shaking his head slightly. “Sam has been alive for several years now.”

  But that couldn’t be right. Sure, he had been in hell for what felt like an eternity, but that was hell, and time must have passed differently down there. He looked and felt the same way he had before, and he didn’t feel older or anything. He was even wearing the same things he had been before.

  “The year is 2013, Adam.”

  He sat down at the foot of the bed, exhaling slowly. There was no way that much time could have passed. He heard Samandriel taking a few hesitant steps towards him, pausing, and asking if Adam was all right. “I’m fine,” he lied. “Just… How did he get out?”

  “One of my brothers saved him.”

  “And left me behind?” When the angel didn’t answer, Adam sighed and said, “Look, forget about it. I don’t want to see my brothers. I don’t even want them to know if I’m alive, okay? All that I’m going to do is get out of here and try to get my life back together.”

  “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.” Adam turned to glower at him as he continued, “There have been demons searching for you ever since I resurrected you, and you wouldn’t be safe on your own. We’re hardly safe here. You need to return to your brothers.”

  “Sorry but that’s not going to happen.”

  “Then I need to stay with you.”

  “Well, I don’t want you around, so no thanks.” Adam turned away quickly, feeling his eyes beginning to well up again, this time more out of frustration than anything else.

  “Adam, we-”

  “Would you cut it out?” Adam interrupted, his words strangled around a weak sob. He meant to yell or shout at him, anything to send him away before he completely broke down in front of him, but all he could do as his shoulders began to shake was fight to keep silent. A hand on his shoulder made him jump. “Just go,” he said. It sounded so pathetic, and he hated himself for it, but the touch disappeared with the faint sound of flapping wings. Adam uncovered his face long enough to see that he was finally alone in the room, and he gave in to the uncontrollable crying that left him feeling hollow.

  It was still raining when exhaustion hit him, leaving him to bury himself in motel covers and pillows as he drifted into an uneasy sleep.


	3. Catching Up

  When Adam woke up the next morning he immediately sat up and confirmed two things. The first being that the angel wasn’t around, the second that this was probably the most hideously decorated motel room in North America.

  His head hurt and his eyes were sore but he felt rested and emotionally stable again, which was a relief. So he got up, stretching until his joints popped and feeling a little gross for wearing the same clothes for so long, and went to the bathroom to splash water on his face. A toothbrush would have been nice, and he contemplated taking a shower and quickly decided against it. He was feeling a bit more at ease at the moment but he didn’t want to let himself get too comfortable when the angel could reappear any second.

  Adam grimaced at himself in the mirror as he thought back to that encounter. Looking back he realized he had been pretty harsh on him, and he figured he at least owed him his thanks whenever he came back. Not that he was looking forward to any kind of reunion.

  Before he could think too much about that he returned to the bed, sitting cross-legged on top of the unmade covers as he turned on the television. It wasn’t like he could just leave – even if Samandriel had been lying about the demons that were supposedly on their trail, Adam didn’t have any money or a way to get anywhere. And besides, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to face the world yet if he had missed several years. Hopefully he could piece some things together by watching the news.

  It wasn’t surprising to see that very little had actually changed.

  When Samandriel reappeared he was accompanied by a gust of wind and the soft sound of wings.  Adam jumped, then stood slowly. Might as well get right into it, he figured. “Hey-”

  “Oh, sorry. I didn’t think you’d be up.”

  “No, it’s – uh – it’s okay,” Adam said, trying to sound reassuring instead of completely embarassed. The angel seemed to relax a bit, and he watched him as Adam continued, “I actually wanted to apologize. And say thanks, for… You know.”

  Samandriel immediately brightened at that. “Thank you, Adam.”

  The most uncomfortable silence Adam had ever experienced settled between them as he tried not to fidget, but there wasn’t nearly as much tension as there had been before. But it was still awkward so he motioned towards the bag the angel was holding and asked, “What’s that?”

  “I brought you food.” Samandriel held it out. “My vessel tells me you humans must eat several times a day. He thought you’d like this.” He went still as Adam crossed the room towards him to accept it, then said, “You probably have many questions for me.”

  “Yeah.” Adam moved to sit at the tiny table in the corner, opening the bag and barely avoiding sighing blissfully. It was a cheeseburger, and below it in the bag was some kind of awesome-looking salad with bacon on it. Whoever his vessel was, Adam decided he liked him. “I still have no idea who you are or what you want, so you can start there,” he suggested.

  Samandriel shrugged. “There isn’t much to say.” He paused when Adam made a delighted noise as he took his first bite of the burger, smiling faintly as he went on. “You already know my name, and I’m not sure I can give you much more than that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m… Unsure of my situation right now. We’re in the same boat, as you say.”

  Adam waited for him to continue, too involved with his food to say anything.

  The angel hesitated, glancing at the ugly rooster wallpaper. “I was resurrected not long before you were. But I don’t know how.”

  Adam could remember his brother killing an angel and leaving him with wing-shaped scorch marks where he fell. “So what happened to you?”

  Samandriel frowned at the wallpaper before looking back to him. “I was killed by an angel named Castiel.”

  That name was definitely familiar. “I know him,” Adam realized, recalling the one who had helped his brothers keep him hostage and later fucking Molotoved him while Michael was possessing him; even with the archangel’s Grace wrapped around him he had felt that pretty vividly and was still pissed about it. “He was kind of a dick,” Adam muttered.

  “Castiel was a respected commander, and the kindest of all my brothers,” Samandriel told him sternly.

  “Yeah, then why would he kill you if you were such buddies?”

  “I’m not sure, and I can’t remember everything that happened. But I’m sure he had good reason.”

  Adam set his food down, watching him with renewed suspicion. “What do you mean?”

  Samandriel was having a hard time meeting his gaze again. “Like I said, I can’t remember everything. I was captured by demons. I gave them information about Heaven, so it’s likely Castiel was sent to kill me before I could give them anything else. I’m not sure, but everything Castiel does, he does for the good of Heaven.” He leaned back in his chair. “And because I betrayed my brothers I can’t return. It’s better I remain here, where I may still have some use.”

  Adam tried to ignore a twinge of sympathy. That sounded harsh, even for angels, but he had to remind himself that he couldn’t afford any kind of softheartedness, not when he still didn’t understand what had driven Samandriel to bring him back. Which brought him back to his other question. “So is that why you pulled me out of Hell?”

  “Before I thought to save you, I followed your brothers for about two weeks. I had nowhere else to be, and Castiel was missing. They needed safekeeping. I overheard them talking about you one night and I realized it would be wrong for you to remain in the Cage any longer.”

  So they hadn’t forgotten about him. It was surprisingly nice to hear that; a small smile played at the corner of his mouth. And it sounded like the only reason why Samandriel had resurrected him was because he was having some sort of creepy guardian angel crisis, and that made him wonder out loud, “Are you a guardian angel?”

  Samandriel seemed amused by the question. “No, not really. All angels are meant to watch over humanity to some extent, but my purpose was to preside over and inspire groups of people, not individuals. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do now, though, other than make sure you’ll be all right.”

  Yeah, definitely creepy. “So was that you protecting me in the Cage?” Adam opened his salad and began to poke at it, more to have something to do than actually because he was hungry; a strange sense of faint nausea had settled in his stomach.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Most of the time I was there I was unconscious.” Thinking about it let some of the pain resurface, but this time he wrestled the memories somewhat back into place. “Something kept me that way so I wouldn’t feel anything. It didn’t always work but, you know, it helped.”

  “That wasn’t me,” the angel answered. “It was Michael who was shielding you. If he hadn’t, it’s likely you would have been completely destroyed or at least driven insane.”

  “But why would he do that?” The archangel hadn’t seemed so considerate when they were both topside.

  “It’s really not that difficult to take care of your vessels, if you’re paying attention,” Samandriel replied, looking faintly irritated. “Michael was one who always minded his vessels. Unfortunately, not all of my brothers feel the same sense of obligation.” He paused. “He helped me, you know. When I finally made my way to the Cage he gave you to me. The bars of the Cage are meant to keep angels and demons from crossing in or out, but you came through easily enough when Michael released you.”

  Adam didn’t know what to say to that, so instead he pushed the lettuce around with his plastic fork. He wasn’t sure he entirely believed that not all angels were cruel like Zachariah had been, or pushy like Castiel, because it was just a part of their nature to be dangerous. Even Michael had been frighteningly angry, and sure, the archangel hadn’t taken it out on him but it had been terrible to experience. But he couldn’t help but feel a little more at ease around Samandriel, which was probably incredibly stupid of him. He tried changing the subject. “So how did demons capture you?”

  “That’s not something I’d like to discuss.”

  “Sorry,” Adam mumbled around a mouthful of salad. He pointed to the food and then the motel room with the fork. “How did you pay for this?”

  Samandriel almost looked smug. “It was simple. You humans leave so much money on the ground, it was only a matter of collecting what people dropped or threw into fountains.”

  “You know some of those fountains are for charities, right?”

  “They are?” He asked, suddenly horrified. “I should return it.”

  Adam tried to hide his amusement. “Hey, man, it’s okay. They’re probably full of change again by now. Don’t worry about it.” The angel still seemed anxious but nodded anyway. “How much did you find?” Adam asked after another bite of salad.

  “About eight hundred dollars.”

  “Wait, really?”

  “Is that a lot?”

  “Yeah, sort of.”

  “Do you want it?” Samandriel asked. When Adam stared at him, he shifted uncomfortably and added, “I have no need for money. I collected it for you, anyway.”

  Okay, this would have been creepy, too, along with the offering of food and the whole thing with watching him sleep earlier, except it was bizarre enough that Adam finally snapped and burst out laughing. The angel watched him in utter confusion. “Adam, I don’t understand,” he tried, which only made him laugh even harder because seriously, what the hell. He couldn’t get the mental image of this angel jumping into and rummaging through fountains out of his mind, and he was nearly doubled over with laughter.

  “Please, I don’t understand human jokes.”

  Adam slowly collected himself, wondering if this was a sign that he was indeed beginning to completely lose his mind. He wiped away a tear, which prompted Samandriel to worry why he had been crying, and he irritably waved away the questions. “I’m fine.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Same here,” Adam said under his breath.

  “Is it funny to give money to others?”

  Adam snorted, and when Samandriel finally glared at him he still didn’t look all that intimidating. “No, sorry,” he said. “It’s just…” And he made an encompassing motion with his hand as he considered trying to explain himself to the angel, but gave up and said, “Never mind.”

  “Do you want the money?”

  Adam shook his head. “Not all of it. I’ll just take what I need to buy some clothes and stuff like a toothbrush. You can hang on to the rest. You should probably get some clothes for yourself, too,” he added as an afterthought.

  Samandriel looked down at himself, lightly pulling at his uniform’s shirt. “What’s wrong with this?” he wondered, looking a bit hurt.

  “It kind of sticks out in a crowd.” Adam took one last bite of salad before standing up. “C’mon, let’s go.”

  “Are we going now?” 

  “Yup. Might as well.” He went to stand by the door, tossing what little was left of the food on the way, and he waited there until Samandriel got up and followed him almost apprehensively. This will be okay, Adam was telling himself as the angel trailed him outside. He still didn’t trust him, but at least he seemed nice enough that he wasn’t afraid of him anymore, and that was enough to get him by for now. The heat as the sun struck his face made his Hell memories stir, and he shivered, crossing the empty street to where there was more shade. But otherwise it was actually a nice day out, clear after the rain, and he found himself enjoying the walk as they searched for a store.


	4. Creatures on Wood Floors

  “And you have no idea how you were brought back?” Adam was saying.

  They were on their way back to the motel and the street was still mostly empty. When a car did pass them, the roar of the engine and the tires against asphalt seemed so unusually loud that Adam tried not to flinch as it sped by. He was still jittery from interacting with the store’s cashier, who had been some normal college guy but was technically the first human Adam had interacted with in years, a realization that had made it difficult to exchange more than a few basic words with him. He had felt so out of place, and the fear that he never would fit back into the world again clung to him like grime.

  Samandriel had moved up to walk beside Adam on the sidewalk instead of behind him. “I can’t think of anything that would be able to resurrect an angel, other than God,” he said, which pulled Adam’s focus back to the present. “Or maybe an archangel.” He sighed. “It’s simple with human souls so it probably wasn’t difficult for them to bring back my vessel, but I don’t know how they brought me back.”

  “If they’d go through all that trouble to bring you back then you’d think they would at least show themself to you,” said Adam. “Or maybe tell you why they did it.”

  “But they never got the chance to. When I came back I fled.” He gave Adam a knowing smile. “I had the same suspicion you did and figured whoever did this was going to use me in some way.”

  “Except I didn’t get the chance to leave,” Adam answered almost bitterly. He instantly regretted saying it when he caught a glimpse of Samandriel’s expression but he didn’t take it back, and said instead, “You know, they’re probably going to look for you.”

  “I’m sure they are,” the angel replied.

  The rest of the return trip was silent and uneventful. Adam was slowly beginning to feel himself calming down, and he made an effort to focus on slowing his breathing. There was a raw spot on his lower lip from where he had been unconsciously biting; as he worried over his interaction with Samandriel the metallic taste of blood made him realize he was continuing the nervous habit, so he tried clenching his jaw instead. It worked well enough until they encountered a woman in the motel parking lot who was wearing braids and a cheerfully yellow sundress. She smiled at them over her phone as they passed her. Adam returned the smile, tight-lipped as he moved ahead and to Samandriel’s other side to keep the angel between them, anxiety surging through his chest. He realized that she probably thought he was some kind of freak now, and she wouldn’t have been wrong, but she shouldn’t have been staring at them like that. His hands shook enough to make it difficult to unlock their room, and when he finally stepped inside and closed the door behind the angel he was asking urgently, “Are we safe in here?”

  Samandriel was caught off guard by the question. “I warded the entire room,” he said, nodding.

  “Where?” He vaguely remembered the symbols that had been painted around that old guy’s house, where his brothers had kept him, but he hadn’t seen anything similar in this room.

  “You can’t perceive them, but they’re there.”

  “They’ll keep demons out if they find us?”

  Samandriel nodded again, more slowly this time as he looked him over apprehensively. “Yes, and it’ll keep angels from seeing us.”

  “Okay.” Adam dropped his bag of clothes on the bed, grabbing the toothbrush and paste he had bought and wordlessly headed over to the sink to brush his teeth until this bout of panic passed. Through the mirror he watched Samandriel place his things next to his before coming to stand near him, which probably should have been more uncomfortable than it actually was, and when Adam spat the angel asked, “What are you doing?”

  “Brushing my teeth.”

  “Why?” When Adam finished and set the brush down, moving away from the sink, Samandriel picked it up and scrutinized it closely.

  “Because it’s good hygiene. And if you put that in your mouth I’m probably going to punch you.”

  “I wasn’t going to,” he said, sheepishly enough that Adam was sure he had considered it.

  Adam returned to the bed and went through his new clothes, figuring he might as well take a shower and change into something that he hadn’t been wearing for the past however many days, and maybe relax a bit. As he shrugged out of his jacket he told Samandriel what he was up to; the angel had gone to sit down at the table again and was still watching him with a trace of concern. But the angel didn’t say anything besides a quiet acknowledgment, so Adam disappeared into the bathroom without another word.

  He had calmed enough up to that point, but when he started the water and began taking the rest of his clothes off the panic returned without warning. His shirt suddenly felt like it was suffocating him and he struggled to untangle himself from it as quickly as possible. When he stepped into the shower he frantically washed his hair more times than he could count and scrubbed his skin until it was sore and red, but no matter what he did he couldn’t stop shuddering or shake the feeling that a permeating dirtiness clung to him. It seemed to sink further into his bones the more he thought about it, digging its claws in and closing around his lungs, and the longer he tried washing it away or fighting it the more agitated he became. His vision began to narrow and, realizing he was having some sort of panic attack, forced himself to slow his breathing and to switch the temperature of the water so the heat would calm him. After a few minutes he had composed himself enough so that he could finish quickly, get out, and get dressed without shaking too badly.

  Adam seriously considered burning his old clothes.

  Out in the room he saw that Samandriel had changed into a gray shirt and jeans and was curled up on top of the bed – which was still unmade – while watching the television. When Adam appeared the angel uncrossed his arms and asked if he was all right.

  “Yeah, why?” He vaguely began to suspect that the angel could read his mind, which wouldn’t have been a surprise at this point, really.

  “You’re upset.”

  Adam hesitated. “And you’re going to tell me how you can pick up on this kind of stuff, because I don’t appreciate you constantly reading me or whatever it is you’re doing.” The words tasted sour and he knew he was being rude by snapping at him like that, but the last thing Adam wanted right now was someone continuously asking about his problems when he was busy trying to forget them.

  Samandriel stood and said, “It’s not difficult sensing what you’re feeling. But if it bothers you then I won’t address it again.” He went to turn off the television.

  Adam dropped his gaze. He was very aware that if he had been talking to Zachariah he would have been coughing up blood at this point, and a part of him still expected it. In the following silence the angel turned and paced away from him towards the window, and before he could think too hard about it Adam said to his back, “Samandriel, I’m sorry.” He cringed at how strained it sounded, but it was honest. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now,” he continued haltingly, “but I can’t forget what happened down there.”

  “I understand.”

  “It’s just –” Adam started, not sure what he was trying to say, and stopped before anything rude or idiotic could slip out again. Samandriel faced him again and cut him off with a wave and a reassuring smile.

  “You don’t need to explain yourself,” he told him. Which only made Adam feel guiltier. He wasn’t sure what to say to that so he only nodded. He was too ashamed to look up at him any longer, so he turned away and busied himself with folding and moving his clothes and things into a duffel bag.

  After a moment Samandriel came over and wordlessly began helping him. Or tried, at least; Adam ended up teaching him how clothes were meant to be folded, and the entire time the angel went on about how perplexed he was by the concept of pants and wondered aloud how humans ever thought to design something that wrapped around each leg. He had a similar opinion on socks when the time came to pack them.

  After that was finished, Adam spent the rest of the day listening to him explain what happened between the Apocalypse and now. The angel didn’t have much to say about the human world but gave Adam more details than he would have expected the angel to know, like who the president was and what scientific achievements had been accomplished in the last few years. Samandriel’s narration started out slowly and unsurely at first, but after about an hour without any interruptions or questions from Adam he eased into telling the story so vividly that Adam could close his eyes and it would sound like he was being read a book. He spoke of a civil war in Heaven, a new God, and old monsters. Adam didn’t completely understand it all, but it seemed to circle around his two brothers and that angel Castiel, which didn’t come as a surprise to Adam considering how involved they had become in things that shouldn’t have concerned them. And no matter how much Samandriel seemed to praise Castiel, Adam refused to change his view on the guy. He was still a dick.

  The story eventually came to a halt when he reached the “captured by demons” part. “Well,” the angel said abruptly, drawing a deep breath, “you know the rest.” He leaned back in his chair and tightly crossed his arms.

  It was a bit anticlimactic but Adam didn’t mind. He took advantage of the break to take out some of the food he had picked up while they had been out, making a light dinner out of a granola bar and an apple.

  “I don’t need to eat anything,” Samandriel protested when he handed him some food.

  “You can at least try it. It’s not bad.” Adam moved to the table, where he watched the angel turn the packaged granola bar over in his hands. He couldn’t decide if he wasn’t opening it because he was confused or if he was just captivated by the wrapper but either way it was amusing. When he finally figured it out he nibbled at it suspiciously, glaring at Adam when he laughed.

  “It tastes like a twig,” he decided.

  “That’s because it’s made out of dried plants,” Adam said. “But it’s also got chocolate in it, so keep eating.” He had to fight back more laughter when the angel took a full bite because he just looked so bewildered. “What do you think?”

  “It’s… Good.”

  “I told you so,” Adam said, allowing himself to be a bit childishly smug over his victory. But the angel paid him no mind and spent the next five minutes slowly going through the rest of the granola bar.

  Later, after it had begun to grow dark outside, Adam decided to go to sleep early. Despite how much he had slept previously he was exhausted again and his head still hurt from his panic attack earlier. But when he had laid down and pulled the blankets almost completely over his head he realized he was still incredibly on edge.

  Back when he had been a little kid and he was too scared to sleep he used to leave his room and find his mom. She was – had been – basically nocturnal on account of her job, and if she had been home on a day off he would fall asleep next to her while she read. She would wrap her arm around him… Adam sat up against the headboard dizzily, fighting back the surge of grief by watching Samandriel roll an apple around on the table. The angel glanced up at him questioningly but said nothing.

  They were both silent for several minutes, but finally Adam had to speak up. “Samandriel, what was Heaven like before this whole mess?”

  “Which mess?”

  “Before your civil war.” He was honestly curious, but he also wanted to hear Samandriel speak uninterrupted again. It had been unexpectedly comforting before, and with the anxiety slowly beginning to return and mix with all the other unpleasant emotions bottled up inside his chest Adam could use the distraction.

  “Oh.” Samandriel paused. “Is there anything specific you’d like to know?”

  “Tell me about some of your brothers.”

  He noticeably brightened at that and brought the chair over to sit next to Adam again, saying, “I can tell you about two of them. I haven’t seen either of them in years but we had an interesting assignment together in the, um, the seventeenth century. Yes, it was your seventeenth century.”

  “It wasn’t _my_ seventeenth century,” Adam tried joking. “I wasn’t alive back then.”

  “I suppose you’re right. Well, I was sent on an assignment with two other angels, Rachel and Chamuel, and we were meant to investigate a false prophet who was residing in Portugal. Despite his long-standing reputation as a belligerent drunk and a nuisance he was beginning to attract something of a following, and we went to see for ourselves what kind of a message he was spreading…”

  He didn’t pause as Adam laid back down, grabbing one of the pillows to throw his arm over as the angel gladly launched into the story. He followed long enough to find out that the false prophet had had fallen angels supporting him, and although it was all very fascinating he soon felt himself beginning to drop off; Samandriel was speaking barely above a murmur and the effect was incredibly soothing. As he closed his eyes he felt an odd sense of peace washing over him again and this time he could have sworn he felt something tangibly draping over him like a blanket, but when he peered at his surroundings one last time there was nothing different and Samandriel hadn’t moved. So Adam tossed a little before burying his face into his pillow, letting the angel’s voice lull him to sleep.


	5. At Least It's Not Raining

  Sometime during the night Adam woke with a start. His heart was hammering and he began to shiver as the sweat rapidly cooled on his skin. The last of his dream was slipping away before he could recall exactly what it had been but left behind such absolute terror  that he remained frozen as Samandriel rushed to his side.

  The angel put a hand on his shoulder as he tried helping him into a sitting position, but Adam brushed him away and said, “I’m fine, just a bad dream.”

  Falling back asleep didn’t take very long. For a few minutes he sat there and silently collected himself before curling up into an almost fetal position, hugging his pillow like a lifeline and ignoring how gross he felt until he drifted off again. When the morning came and he woke up to a stripe of sunlight across his face, he felt considerably well rested despite the lingering sense of dread that sat in his gut.

  Samandriel instantly spoke up from where he was sitting at the table when he noticed that he was awake. “We should probably leave this place soon.”

  Adam groaned. It was too early for this and he didn’t want to think too clearly yet. Or move. “Why?” he asked before lazily burrowing his face back into the pillow.

  “We’ve been in one place too long,” the angel said. “If we remain here any longer we’re giving the demons more of a chance of finding us.”

  “Yeah,” Adam agreed, the words coming out muffled. “At least they haven’t attacked us or anything yet.”

  “What?”

  Adam removed the pillow and repeated himself, rolling over so they could see one another. The angel frowned. “I’m sure they know where we are by now, but they’ll be cautious to try anything if they know I’m with you. Still, we shouldn’t tempt them.”

  “Do you think they saw us yesterday?”

  “It’s very likely.”

  Adam exhaled in a noisy huff. “You’re right, we should probably get out of here. I wouldn’t really mind a change of scenery, but where are we supposed to go? Do you have any ideas?”

  “I was hoping you would suggest something.”

  He thought about it, unconsciously worrying his lip. Nothing immediately came to mind, at least nothing that was anywhere near logical. There were some friends he could probably try to contact for help but it wouldn’t be fair to drag them into this mess. One particular idea nagged at him, and after he couldn’t decide on anything else he said, “I’d like to see my house one last time.”

  The angel nodded. “I think that would be very good for you.”

  “But how would we get there? It’s like two states away and we don’t have a car.”

  “I could fly us there.”

  Adam tried not to make a face. “Yeah, I think I’ll pass on the angelic piggyback ride.”

  “The what?”

  Adam sat up and stretched. “Forget it. Let me get ready and I’ll head to a bank so we can pool our money together and get a cheap truck or… Hang on.” He paused. At some point he lost his wallet – which he decided really shouldn’t have come as a surprise – so he didn’t have a driver’s license any kind of identification for accessing his long-abandoned bank account. Wonderful.

  When he fell silent the angel cocked his head thoughtfully and said, “I think my vessel has a solution for this,” as he stood up.

  “He does?”

  “Yes. Can you be up and ready to leave in ten minutes?”

  “Sure.” Adam swung his legs out of bed and gave him a puzzled look. “But what are you going to do?”

  “We’re going to find a car.” Samandriel disappeared in a flurry, and Adam blinked when the resulting gust smacked him in the face. He made a mental note to get on his case for that whenever he returned.

  Once he was up the first thing Adam did was brush his teeth. Then he showered and brushed his teeth again. The agitation he had woken up to intensified and mingled with the persistent feeling of uncleanliness that wouldn’t wash away, so by the time he was dressed and ready to go he was already stressed. This was getting old real fast, he thought, drinking some of the weird motel sink water as he tried to steady himself. Sure, he had had his share of problems growing up, and he had felt plenty of anxiety when he had started college, just like everyone else, but he had never felt anything as completely overwhelming as this and he hated it. It hadn’t been this bad when Zachariah had brought him back.

  A knock at the door made him jump. Adam slowly moved towards it, peering through the peephole and relaxed when he saw that it was just the angel.

  He opened the door, but before he could say anything Samandriel grinned at him and said, “Mornin’, sunshine. Are you ready to go?” Adam eyed him warily as he came inside, trying to think of a polite way to ask what the fuck was wrong with him and not coming up with anything quickly enough. “Nice to finally meet you, Adam,” the angel was saying. “I’m Alfie, by the way. The vessel,” he added, noting Adam’s complete confusion.

  “You’re the vessel?” Adam repeated, surprised.

  “Yeah, that’s what I just said.”

  He really hoped this guy wasn’t going to turn out to be some kind of a smartass. “Where’s Samandriel?”

  “Don’t worry, he’s still in here. Sorry if I caught you off guard. He needed me to drive here and we figured I might as well introduce myself while I was awake.”

  “No, it’s okay,” Adam quickly assured him. “Nice meeting you, too.” He had about a dozen questions that were clamoring to be asked, because seriously, Michael had never let him have any sort of control when he had been possessed. He didn’t even realize that it was possible. But instead he ended up asking, “So, uh, you guys did get a car, then?”

  “Sure did!”

  “How?”

  “Well,” said Alfie, wincing. “I kind of… Stole it.”

_“You stole a car?”_

  “Yep.”

  “Are you completely insane? Neither of us have any kind of ID! If we get caught we’d be completely screwed!”

  “We’ll be fine!”

  “I can’t believe this,” Adam sighed, shaking his head. “That was such a bad idea.”

  Alfie shrugged. “Well, you’d better get over that because we’re leaving right now. Samandriel’s getting antsy. Did you get everything?” He motioned towards their duffel bag, which was sitting on the table looking a bit overstuffed.

  “Yeah. Yeah, that’s everything,” Adam answered, exasperatedly pinching the bridge of his nose. His head was suddenly beginning to ache.

  “Then let’s go,” Alfie decided as he shouldered the bag, leading the way outside. It has gotten much colder overnight; when they got to the car, which was a beaten-up Ford station wagon with a couple of mismatched doors, Adam gave him his jacket to wear over his tee shirt before offering to return the motel key to the office.

  Alfie thanked him, saying as he put on the extra layer, “Yeah, if you want to go take care of that I’ll stay here to start up the car, maybe see if I can convince the heat to work.” He tapped one of the tires with his foot. “I’ll probably just get Samandriel to zap it or something.”

  “Okay. I’ll be right back.” Adam started to make his way towards the office. He decided he might like Alfie. The guy seemed nice enough, in his own special, shady car thief sort of way.

  Heading all the way down the side of the building and around the corner, Adam found the entrance to the office nestled between two sad-looking potted shrubs.  He took a deep breath before passing through the door, forcing himself to ignore a bout of anxiety and looking up to meet the clerk’s gaze. Adam froze.

  The clerk was leaning back in his chair with his throat slit open. The man’s dark shirt glistened where the blood had poured down and soaked into the fabric.

  Standing beside the body with her knife still drawn was the woman they had seen in the parking lot the day before. Her eyes were completely black.

  Adam didn’t turn his back on her as he retreated through the open door.

  Demons. It felt like his heart had jumped into his throat. As he frantically ran around the corner, calling the vessel’s name, he saw that the car was on and that Alfie was stepping out from the driver’s seat; two more demons were approaching across the parking lot but before he could choke out a warning Adam felt himself being lifted off the ground. He was jerked to a complete stop and thrown sideways through a window.

  Glass shattered and fell around him as he landed in the vacant room. It hurt too badly to move for a few moments but when he managed to push himself up he saw that there was a deep, hot gash in his thigh and cuts on his arms. A dark stain was spreading in the carpet below his leg and with a jolt Adam realized he could be bleeding out.

  “Shit,” he hissed, dragging himself back to the window. “Shit, shit, shit!” When he peered outside he saw that Samandriel, obviously in control again, was still over near the car and was grappling with one of the demons, this one a middle-aged man; Adam could clearly see his black eyes. The other demon was lying very still on the ground and the one that he had seen in the office wasn’t anywhere nearby, not yet. Adam managed to get to his feet and stumble through the door, growing gradually weaker as he anxiously watched the pair fight, wondering if he should try to help. If he even could help. It was getting very difficult to stand. The angel was holding a bright blade, and his opponent was trying to wrest the weapon out of his hand. Samandriel let the demon twist him around by the arm and, wrapping both hands around the grip, used the momentum to drive the point into his attacker’s middle. The demon doubled over as something like orange electricity shot through him.

  Samandriel turned to face Adam as he pulled the blade free. “Adam, behind you!”

  Another invisible force seized him, this time pinning him to the wall. The last demon had appeared, and she smiled sweetly as she came to stand beside him. She laughed when he tried struggling free.

  “Let him go,” Samandriel ordered. He slowly edged towards them.

  “Nah,” said the demon. “I don’t think I will. And you can stop right there, Feathers.”

  “You’re nowhere near powerful enough to be making demands.”

  She shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know. I feel like I’ve got some pretty good leverage here.” The demon held up her hand like a claw and made a twisting motion with it. Pain flared throughout Adam’s entire body, and he gave an involuntary whimper. It was too much; he squeezed his eyes shut as the memories surged forward. A bright terror gripped him as he felt himself in the Cage again, unable to move or escape as he was slowly obliterated, unable to hear the demon or the angel through the thundering in his ears.

  It took too long for the agony to finally release him, and when it did he sank to his knees as the world throbbed somewhat back into focus. Someone was speaking to him, pulling him up and then carrying him when his legs wouldn’t support him; vaguely he remembered his injury and realized that he was beginning to pass out.

  But then a cold shock jolted through him, snapping him to attention. He found himself sitting in the passenger’s seat of the station wagon; the injury on his thigh as well as the blood had disappeared. Any trace of pain was gone, his head was clear again, and the memories seemed to be more or less back in place.

  The vehicle lurched as Alfie sped out of the parking lot without any sort of warning; Adam scrambled to put on his seatbelt, yelling, “What are you doing!?”

  “I’m getting us out of here before any angels show up.”

  “I thought those were demons!”

  “They were! But Samandriel just healed you and that’ll draw some attention from Heaven.”

_“Slow down!”_

  “I’m going to need you to stop yelling!”

  He managed to stay quiet until they swerved madly onto the turnpike and half of the tires left the ground. “ _Fuck!”_

  “Adam, shut up!”

  He did, and tightened his fists until his nails dug into his palms as he began to shake. He wasn’t sure if his sudden nausea was from the driving or from the panic that was welling up into his throat again; the edges of his vision started to blur.

  “Adam! Hey Adam, you need to breathe, man.”

  He inhaled and shuddered, slouching over. “There you go,” Alfie was saying. “Deep breaths. Is there anything I can do?”

  “Just keep talking,” Adam answered quietly. He desperately needed a distraction.

  “About what?”

  “I don’t know, anything. What happened back there?”

  “Um, the last demon showed up and was holding you against the wall and used you to keep us back, and Samandriel tried getting some answers. He ended up just throwing his knife at her before we could find out why the demons are trailing us. Oh, he wants to know how you’re feeling now.”

  “I feel awesome,” Adam muttered.

  “He’s not too good at sarcasm, y’know.”

  “Okay,” Adam snapped. “I feel terrible.”

  Alfie turned on the radio instead of replying to that, and they listened to that for the next ten minutes or so as Adam slowly calmed down. He kept his face turned towards the window as the panic gave way to intense dread; the Hell memories had been so vivid, and the thought that they could flare up again was terrifying.

  “Maybe I should keep talking,” Alfie said after a while. Adam nodded, gritting his teeth.

  For the next several miles he went on unprompted, talking about everything that had happened during Adam’s time in the Cage. It was small talk, but it helped immensely and he was able to get some details Samandriel had left out when he had tried explaining things before. He wasn’t a natural storyteller like the angel was but it let Adam relax, and by the time they were stopping in Kansas City for a very late breakfast he was talking just as much as Alfie was.

  As they left the diner they conspiratorially took leftover pancakes with them in hopes of getting the angel to try them later.


End file.
